Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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