I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
