i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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