Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
