Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
sex in a hospital.. check
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
