Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
