i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
