I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Never joke about your clitoris.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
