This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
