when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
