how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
did i walk over a car last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
