mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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