38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
