There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
