My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
