i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
