u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
