When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
