Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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