Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
