Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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