Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
