i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
