So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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