I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
