I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
