i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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