I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
