I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for