Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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