I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
