I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
