some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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