for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think weed is turning my hair brown
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Two words: nipple clamps
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