mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
