bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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