stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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