the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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