just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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