She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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