So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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