and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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