This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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