Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
