I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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