Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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