some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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