I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
