i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
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It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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