I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.