I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We have so much sex to catch up on
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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