did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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