I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
