I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
