Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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