she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
